The Difference a Year Makes

 Hello, Internet world - I'm back & recognize I'm the problem (cues T. Swift "Anti-Hero") - it's me. 

I knew I hadn't been writing and blogging, but really didn't notice a firm year had slipped by without updating the blog. To be honest, "Monday Musings" were difficult to keep up with each week. I felt silly trying to write through things and thoughts I was having, and I buried my head in the sand (as I often do in stressful times). I wasn't perse stressed, but I think I was perse avoiding acknowledging the inevitable. 

My life has drastically changed, which is good, but also I'm still acknowledging the differences in where I hoped to be a year ago and the place I am today. They're similar but also different, just not so different I feel I have entirely lost. To be completely open, I do feel I have lost slightly in the game of life. 

It is weird when you put effort into something hoping it will grow into another thing much larger than you can see only to discover there was a glaring area of opportunity in what you think might be occurring. Super vague, I know ... but, let's just say ... things change, people change and even though you don't want to acknowledge it ... you've now got to change to pivot into a different space and area you didn't intend to have to be in by yourself. 

Thankfully, this time around, I do have a solid support system, which includes myself. If you have been around for a while, then you know I was not often there for myself. This has taken a year's worth of therapy to overcome. Really, the last few months have been the largest deciding factor in me understanding I can't keep bending over backwards and stretching myself thin for people who are only looking to benefit themselves. Are we all a little selfish? At times, but the lack of boundaries I had for respecting myself and sense of worth were appalling. My happiness and self-worth were dependent on the happiness and external validation provided by others. This had to change. It's still a change in progress, but it is one I'm finding easier and easier to adhere to the more I am able to acknowledge I have to put myself first (next to The Doods, of course). 

I recently restarted my daily gratitude practice. On top of writing down the three things I am thankful for in the morning/evening when I decide to update the date on my bathroom mirror, I have started writing down the negative things I am also thankful for having in my life. Too many meetings and incompetent people? I am thankful for the opportunity to see how well I can overcome adversity and be productive during the day. An unexpected change in my personal life? I am thankful for the opportunity to see how flexible and adaptable I can be and the chance to plot a new course to travel. No plans and I'm sitting at home alone? I am thankful for the opportunity to spend some time with myself and do things I enjoy. It's all about perspective ... it's slowly shifting my mindset from "I have to ..." into "I get to ...", and I think it's helped, really. 

When I first started this blog while processing my divorce and how getting out of the relationship impacted my life, I took some time to figure out who I wanted to be for myself specifically, not for other people. As my therapist would have me say, I might have gotten a little off course and went on a small adventure losing direct sight into "that" person. It is what it is, but now it is time to find the trail again and keep on keeping on with the journey I started (shrugs mildly because what else do you do).