Musings & Commiserations

I toss; I turn. I toss … I turn. The air is set to a cool 65 degrees, but sweat drips and pools at the small of my back forcing me to throw the covers off my body to no reprieve. It is still hot. The negative ideations of failure, rejection and self-inflicted criticism ruminate as I lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling as the fan spins in circles, ticking the seconds off the clock until my alarm will go off for the morning. My head is throbbing, and sleep seems to drift further away from me as I hear the stillness of the night settling in heavy over my tired form. This is a typical night for me; while it’s not every night, it is enough nights I am used to this dance with my anxiety, depression and migraines, but not used to this routine enough to where I have developed the most appropriate coping mechanisms. It is suggested to not stare at the ceiling, nor the clock, nor to count the time you have to sleep if you were to fall asleep a moment later and instead advised for those who...

I probably have another post floating around out there starting out with the words 'depression sucks,' but depression sucks. For those of you who do not know, I was clinically diagnosed manic depressive with subsequent obsessive compulsive and panic disorders in 2013. I am immensely thankful to be able to manage my manic and mania well enough I am relatively unmedicated. I never like to admit I am part of the statistic of people who has suffered from self-inflicted injuries or even attempted to go a step further and not just injure themselves. It is still difficult to say, even now, there have ever been times where I have taken steps to kill myself. It's been a while since I have, but not as long, as I'm sure many of you reading this may assume. For full transparency, I consider the times where I've 'prepared' myself to go through with it as an attempt to commit suicide as well.  The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) refers to a suicid...

Yesterday was supposed to be hard, but it was easier than expected. Today, however, is not the same case. Though I ate the top tier of my wedding cake alone and in spurts over the course of two weeks, I should have saved it for this week. I ate it out of resentment and disbelief this was how my marriage would be ending, not even a year after being married. To care so deeply for someone and try so hard only to have little to no return for your efforts has been the most difficult truth to accept. Some days I wonder if I put myself out there too much for my own good, but then I look back and realize as I have noticed before, I wonder more of how much I held myself back. I remember walking through the lobby of the small movie theater after the first date, texting in a group message with my J school friends. I remember physically shaking my head and smirking when one said I was 'in love,' after I told them it seemed to have gone well. I should have known better to not listen a...

1. Eating your wedding cake when getting a divorce does not make it hurt any less. The cake may be good, but it does not replace anything being lost. 2. The quiet moments are often the worst. Staying busy and productive has kept me well enough distracted during the day; but, in the small window of time in the morning and evenings when things are quiet, it is as if a small pebble fell just right on a snowy emotion-covered hill somewhere and sent a rumbling inescapable avalanche tumbling down the hillside burying me underneath it. 3. Most often, you do not lose only one person in these things. In the last few weeks, and even more so in the last week, life has continued to happen for people I consider friends and family, but I, however, am no longer involved. 4. While you may lose some, you will not lose everyone in your life. In fact, you will find comfort in seeing the support from those who love you. I have had a few people reach out wondering what has been going on and to check...

If there was a visual introduction to this, you know as in if it were displayed on the big screen at the start of a movie … it would show me typing, misspelling words and repetitively backspacing to get my words and thoughts appropriately together ... Thankfully, technology helps me to be a better speller, so you’ll find this writing hopefully both spelling and grammatically correct.              I sadly had to google a list of ’50 most common questions to answer about yourself’ in order to do this next bit, so here’s that: What is one article of clothing that someone could wear that would make you walk out on a date with them? Terribly dirty shoes? I feel as if having very dirty shoes says you might possibly have dirty socks, which means dirty feet. Your feet should always be clean. The zombie apocalypse is coming, who are 3 people you want on your team? To be determined KP My dad  What is your most used emoji? Right now, the laughi...