The Next Day is Always the Worst
Yesterday was supposed to be hard, but it was easier than expected. Today, however, is not the same case.
Though I ate the top tier of my wedding cake alone and in spurts over the course of two weeks, I should have saved it for this week. I ate it out of resentment and disbelief this was how my marriage would be ending, not even a year after being married. To care so deeply for someone and try so hard only to have little to no return for your efforts has been the most difficult truth to accept.
Some days I wonder if I put myself out there too much for my own good, but then I look back and realize as I have noticed before, I wonder more of how much I held myself back.
I remember walking through the lobby of the small movie theater after the first date, texting in a group message with my J school friends. I remember physically shaking my head and smirking when one said I was 'in love,' after I told them it seemed to have gone well. I should have known better to not listen and trust my gut, but I was comfortable and willing to compromise pieces of myself to be 'happy.'
Some days, especially today, I wonder what I could have done differently. I wonder if I had done anything differently if it would have helped. I look back and ask myself if there had been no second date, would I have been better off?
I try to not get lost in the weeds and go down rabbit holes for things I can no longer chase, but it is like a wrecking ball crashing through the walls of my fortress of solitude. I hate the feeling there could have been something more done to stop this from happening, but, at the end of the day, I have to remind myself, I tried. There was effort. Masses of concentrated effort and sheer will to make something nonfunctioning work.
I do not blame anyone for how this happened or why it happened. The resented feeling I had, truthfully, was toward myself. For letting myself lose myself somewhere along the way over the last 6 years. As I have continued to take more time to take care of myself, I realized I did not only stop doing small things to take care of myself from a day-to-day perspective, but I also let who I was intrinsically slip away from me.
Although today was harder than I expected, as I lay down to sleep, I know I have at least made it through, and tomorrow will be just the same.
Though I ate the top tier of my wedding cake alone and in spurts over the course of two weeks, I should have saved it for this week. I ate it out of resentment and disbelief this was how my marriage would be ending, not even a year after being married. To care so deeply for someone and try so hard only to have little to no return for your efforts has been the most difficult truth to accept.
Some days I wonder if I put myself out there too much for my own good, but then I look back and realize as I have noticed before, I wonder more of how much I held myself back.
I remember walking through the lobby of the small movie theater after the first date, texting in a group message with my J school friends. I remember physically shaking my head and smirking when one said I was 'in love,' after I told them it seemed to have gone well. I should have known better to not listen and trust my gut, but I was comfortable and willing to compromise pieces of myself to be 'happy.'
Some days, especially today, I wonder what I could have done differently. I wonder if I had done anything differently if it would have helped. I look back and ask myself if there had been no second date, would I have been better off?
I try to not get lost in the weeds and go down rabbit holes for things I can no longer chase, but it is like a wrecking ball crashing through the walls of my fortress of solitude. I hate the feeling there could have been something more done to stop this from happening, but, at the end of the day, I have to remind myself, I tried. There was effort. Masses of concentrated effort and sheer will to make something nonfunctioning work.
I do not blame anyone for how this happened or why it happened. The resented feeling I had, truthfully, was toward myself. For letting myself lose myself somewhere along the way over the last 6 years. As I have continued to take more time to take care of myself, I realized I did not only stop doing small things to take care of myself from a day-to-day perspective, but I also let who I was intrinsically slip away from me.
Although today was harder than I expected, as I lay down to sleep, I know I have at least made it through, and tomorrow will be just the same.
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