A Sense of Resolution

Some days, I wonder how healthy it is the things I share on the Internet; then I weigh the thoughts I have kept to myself the last calendar year and the ones I have let slip fleetingly from my fingers. Equally, they seem balanced, but pleasantly (or unpleasantly) unfiltered. 

A little over a year ago, I wrote "Closure"; a blog where I ruminated on my lack of understanding for "why". Albeit not my best writing, it was a good mile-marker for the now - the places I have fortunately traveled in life, physically and metaphysically. 

Years ago, after my first gut-wrenching break up, as in the first one which left me feeling as if a hole the size of Manhattan had been blown through my chest, I put a wallpaper on my phone which said "you're not a part of their journey and that's OK". Last year, I struggled with this. This was the push for my "why". The drive to have a better grasp on the thought process of someone else. Would I still love to know "why"? Oh, of course, but I realized through lots of concentrated effort and breaking of negative thought patterns, knowing "why" would not make the situation any different. The end result was the same - I was no longer on the same path they were and their journey was one best suited to be taken without me as a travel companion. 

Last year, about this same time, or somewhere around this time, I had a dream (really multiples of them) about things I did not hope would come to pass; oddly, as many of the things I dream do, these things did. They came to pass in ways I had not anticipated, in ways I had not wanted and most of all ways I firmly believe were more troublesome because of my lack of acknowledging the necessity of it all. About a month's time has since passed some of the more unfortunate dreams have come full circle and while I still am less-than-enthused about the situation I am in - I feel lighter. Things feel easier; less burdened, more free, open ... less tied to things which bound me for too long. 

Today, I can accept the "I am not on this journey with them" mentality and it has become my de facto, an autonomous process carrying on without direction. Today, I also have more hope than I had; a space more welcome to myself, more available for me to be who I want to be in a freer manner. Righteously, I have to acknowledge the negative patterns. Toxic, broken ways of thinking bore out of a need for coping in a time with no structure. 

But ... as the last blog said, let's see what a month will bring. :)

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