10 Things I've Learned
1. Eating your wedding cake when getting a divorce does not make it hurt any less.
The cake may be good, but it does not replace anything being lost.
2. The quiet moments are often the worst. Staying busy and productive has kept me well enough distracted during the day; but, in the small window of time in the morning and evenings when things are quiet, it is as if a small pebble fell just right on a snowy emotion-covered hill somewhere and sent a rumbling inescapable avalanche tumbling down the hillside burying me underneath it.
3. Most often, you do not lose only one person in these things. In the last few weeks, and even more so in the last week, life has continued to happen for people I consider friends and family, but I, however, am no longer involved.
4. While you may lose some, you will not lose everyone in your life. In fact, you will find comfort in seeing the support from those who love you. I have had a few people reach out wondering what has been going on and to check on me. I have appreciated those who have had a great sense of tact to remind me of my true character and of the support system I have near and far.
5. Though, sometimes, not all the people you still have around will truly understand. Marriage is hard, but so is divorce. Especially when you never saw this being a place your marriage would end. It is difficult to explain to someone you tried your hardest, but it still was not good enough. When my parents got divorced following the end of my freshman year at Auburn, I remember telling a friend how troubling it was to watch, because at the end of the day, my parents still loved each other. When I did, their response was, 'Well, if they love each other, why don't they just stay together?' Most people do not willingly get married unless they love and respect the other person, and neither of these things have to be equivocally missing simply because the marriage no longer works. Sometimes, while love covers a multitude of things, it is not enough to mend what has already been broken, making it is best to leave love lost.
6. Cleaning can be cathartic. I have I always turned to cleaning or organizing as a coping mechanism. In part because of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but also because it is nice to have a clean, well-organized home. My OCD manifests, thankfully, not in a counting manner (ok, sometimes) or in set routines (ok, but sometimes ...). Instead, it manifests in organization. This could mean color-coding study guides and starting over if I get off track; arranging items by size, shape or pattern until I feel they look aesthetically pleasing enough for my lizard brain; alphabetizing movies, books or other labeled items or simple, sheer over-the-top organizing so everything has a perfectly curated place. While in process of swapping projects last fall, a few of my team leads grew quite concerned by my level of compulsive organization with a bag of pens. I had taken each of them out of the bag and arranged the items by which pens I liked, which pens I did not like, by brand, pen type, ink color ... you name it, they were likely organized this way. I realized after the same lead asked if I needed help with anything multiple times within an hour they were not asking because they thought I truly needed help with my tasks, but wanted to give me an opportunity to talk about what was stressing me out to the point I had obsessively and compulsively categorized more than 30 pens on my desk in perfectly lined-up groups. The last few weeks, I have graciously accepted the never-leaving urge to organize, purge and purchase and have taken time to clean, go through things and then organize what is left. This process has been slower than most, but I'm getting it done and I feel better for it.
7. Being happy is OK. Some days I have woken up ready to conquer the day. I get out of bed without hesitation after a few puppy snuggles from Jughead, go for a run, do some yoga, clean the house and shower before 8 a.m. I willingly face the day head-on with little to no pushback mentally or emotionally. These days are the easiest.
8. Being sad is OK, too. Other days, I have woken up and gone back to sleep, woken back up and gone back to sleep hitting snooze on my alarm until the last minute before needing to get up and shower and login for work during the week or until my dogs are screaming bloody murder to go outside. I muscle memory work through my daily tasks, hoping to have enough spoons left to take care of myself when my day is through. Most of the times, I have either run out of spoons before my day is done, though, or even before getting out of the bed. These days are the hardest.
9. Spending time taking care of yourself helps. When I look at my activity log over the last few months, I know I did not stop working out simply because the box was closed. Losing my daily CrossFit lunch routine and the accountability it brought into my life was difficult. Though, I truly stopped working out because I let myself stop caring. I stopped putting myself first and let the things I loved and desired fall to the wayside. I ate cookie dough for each meal. I stopped drinking enough water each day. I stopped doing daily routines to set myself up for success. I let myself be sad for an extended period of time, and it hurt me. Picking these self-care tasks back up has been difficult, but it has been worth it. My stress level is more manageable, and I am hoping to be able to get my migraines and depression back in control.
10. With stress comes a higher level of success. My dad told me this once, and I began to say it and put it in practice until I believed it. I do not consider a divorce a success in life by any means, clearly. But, I do see it as a new start. An opportunity to move forward with life and succeed elsewhere and let the stress I am feeling now tell me I am not weak, but am strong enough I can overcome this and anything else put in my path. I truly believe God gives his greatest and hardest tasks to his strongest warriors, even if we do not see our own strength and power. When ever I have faced adversity, I understand it is not because I did something wrong. Adversity and how we respond is an opportunity to grow and learn. If we are never given a chance to make a mistake, how will we ever fail forward into new, better experiences?
The cake may be good, but it does not replace anything being lost.
2. The quiet moments are often the worst. Staying busy and productive has kept me well enough distracted during the day; but, in the small window of time in the morning and evenings when things are quiet, it is as if a small pebble fell just right on a snowy emotion-covered hill somewhere and sent a rumbling inescapable avalanche tumbling down the hillside burying me underneath it.
3. Most often, you do not lose only one person in these things. In the last few weeks, and even more so in the last week, life has continued to happen for people I consider friends and family, but I, however, am no longer involved.
4. While you may lose some, you will not lose everyone in your life. In fact, you will find comfort in seeing the support from those who love you. I have had a few people reach out wondering what has been going on and to check on me. I have appreciated those who have had a great sense of tact to remind me of my true character and of the support system I have near and far.
5. Though, sometimes, not all the people you still have around will truly understand. Marriage is hard, but so is divorce. Especially when you never saw this being a place your marriage would end. It is difficult to explain to someone you tried your hardest, but it still was not good enough. When my parents got divorced following the end of my freshman year at Auburn, I remember telling a friend how troubling it was to watch, because at the end of the day, my parents still loved each other. When I did, their response was, 'Well, if they love each other, why don't they just stay together?' Most people do not willingly get married unless they love and respect the other person, and neither of these things have to be equivocally missing simply because the marriage no longer works. Sometimes, while love covers a multitude of things, it is not enough to mend what has already been broken, making it is best to leave love lost.
6. Cleaning can be cathartic. I have I always turned to cleaning or organizing as a coping mechanism. In part because of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but also because it is nice to have a clean, well-organized home. My OCD manifests, thankfully, not in a counting manner (ok, sometimes) or in set routines (ok, but sometimes ...). Instead, it manifests in organization. This could mean color-coding study guides and starting over if I get off track; arranging items by size, shape or pattern until I feel they look aesthetically pleasing enough for my lizard brain; alphabetizing movies, books or other labeled items or simple, sheer over-the-top organizing so everything has a perfectly curated place. While in process of swapping projects last fall, a few of my team leads grew quite concerned by my level of compulsive organization with a bag of pens. I had taken each of them out of the bag and arranged the items by which pens I liked, which pens I did not like, by brand, pen type, ink color ... you name it, they were likely organized this way. I realized after the same lead asked if I needed help with anything multiple times within an hour they were not asking because they thought I truly needed help with my tasks, but wanted to give me an opportunity to talk about what was stressing me out to the point I had obsessively and compulsively categorized more than 30 pens on my desk in perfectly lined-up groups. The last few weeks, I have graciously accepted the never-leaving urge to organize, purge and purchase and have taken time to clean, go through things and then organize what is left. This process has been slower than most, but I'm getting it done and I feel better for it.
7. Being happy is OK. Some days I have woken up ready to conquer the day. I get out of bed without hesitation after a few puppy snuggles from Jughead, go for a run, do some yoga, clean the house and shower before 8 a.m. I willingly face the day head-on with little to no pushback mentally or emotionally. These days are the easiest.
8. Being sad is OK, too. Other days, I have woken up and gone back to sleep, woken back up and gone back to sleep hitting snooze on my alarm until the last minute before needing to get up and shower and login for work during the week or until my dogs are screaming bloody murder to go outside. I muscle memory work through my daily tasks, hoping to have enough spoons left to take care of myself when my day is through. Most of the times, I have either run out of spoons before my day is done, though, or even before getting out of the bed. These days are the hardest.
9. Spending time taking care of yourself helps. When I look at my activity log over the last few months, I know I did not stop working out simply because the box was closed. Losing my daily CrossFit lunch routine and the accountability it brought into my life was difficult. Though, I truly stopped working out because I let myself stop caring. I stopped putting myself first and let the things I loved and desired fall to the wayside. I ate cookie dough for each meal. I stopped drinking enough water each day. I stopped doing daily routines to set myself up for success. I let myself be sad for an extended period of time, and it hurt me. Picking these self-care tasks back up has been difficult, but it has been worth it. My stress level is more manageable, and I am hoping to be able to get my migraines and depression back in control.
10. With stress comes a higher level of success. My dad told me this once, and I began to say it and put it in practice until I believed it. I do not consider a divorce a success in life by any means, clearly. But, I do see it as a new start. An opportunity to move forward with life and succeed elsewhere and let the stress I am feeling now tell me I am not weak, but am strong enough I can overcome this and anything else put in my path. I truly believe God gives his greatest and hardest tasks to his strongest warriors, even if we do not see our own strength and power. When ever I have faced adversity, I understand it is not because I did something wrong. Adversity and how we respond is an opportunity to grow and learn. If we are never given a chance to make a mistake, how will we ever fail forward into new, better experiences?
I resonate so much with this point "The quiet moments are often the worst." For me, the worst is when I'm driving because I can't do anything else, so I'm left alone with my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI also laughed at this line: "I muscle memory work through my daily tasks, hoping to have enough spoons left to take care of myself when my day is through." I know you are talking about emotional/mental energy when you talk about spoons, but for me, when I'm depressed, I don't do the dishes, so I literally run out of spoons...
Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. You've come so far, and I'm so proud of your progress. Keep shining.