When the Sleep Doesn't Come

I toss; I turn. I toss … I turn. The air is set to a cool 65 degrees, but sweat drips and pools at the small of my back forcing me to throw the covers off my body to no reprieve. It is still hot. The negative ideations of failure, rejection and self-inflicted criticism ruminate as I lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling as the fan spins in circles, ticking the seconds off the clock until my alarm will go off for the morning. My head is throbbing, and sleep seems to drift further away from me as I hear the stillness of the night settling in heavy over my tired form.

This is a typical night for me; while it’s not every night, it is enough nights I am used to this dance with my anxiety, depression and migraines, but not used to this routine enough to where I have developed the most appropriate coping mechanisms. It is suggested to not stare at the ceiling, nor the clock, nor to count the time you have to sleep if you were to fall asleep a moment later and instead advised for those who see sleep escaping them to get out of bed and ultimately make peace with the lack of sleep to be had for the night – this, however, is not me.

I can remember when I was younger and less able to identify my emotions when I could not sleep before a big event, I often thought it was excitement keeping me awake; but, as I ‘grew up’ and was better able to identify my battle with anxiety and depression and its hold over me, this changed. I became more emotionally intelligent, and now, looking back, even considering the nerves I had before my first ‘fun run’ in elementary school, my anxiety and fear of failure had kept me from sleeping often as a child.

Even now, for nights before an event, I will not sleep. If I have a bad day at work or feel I could have handled a situation better than I did, I will not sleep. If there is a meeting scheduled for the next day I am worried about, I will not sleep. If a project is due I feel I should be putting more effort into, I will not sleep. Even if I am worried about something as simple as how I will do in the Workout of the Day (WOD) for CrossFit, I will not sleep.

Not only have my nerves and apprehension kept me from sleeping, but at times so have my migraines, which has presented its own set of concerns and hoops to jump through. The ripe age of adulthood not only brought new opportunities of voting, donating blood and purchasing fireworks, but it also brought me diagnoses of chronic migraines, Manic Depressive Disorder with subsequent panic and anxiety disorders and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. While officially receiving clinical mental health illness diagnoses were expected for me after a tumultuous childhood, a chronic migraine diagnosis was not. As I learned more about my migraines, I would continue to learn how all of my diagnoses were related and how they ultimately affected my sleep and quality of life.

I would love to say better understanding my mental and physical health concerns helped me to identify ways to improve my sleeping habits, but, sadly, it hasn’t. I know I do not cope appropriately during the times of night I lay awake tossing and turning as the seconds, minutes and hours tick away bringing the ringing of my alarm and start of a new day closer.

Although I may not always cope appropriately in the moments I am unable to sleep, I do try to take steps to ensure I am doing what I can to set myself up justly for sound sleep. I try to cut my caffeine intake off no later than 11 a.m. each day, because somewhere I once read if you did not you would have trouble sleeping in the evening. I treat my bed as a ‘safe place’ for sleep and only snack and watch television in bed occasionally and not at times when I cannot sleep so my body does not get used to this as a regular occurrence. I make attempts at limiting my screen time in the hours leading up to sleep, and I try to quiet my mind in the moments leading up to bedtime with approximately an hour or more of yoga, a hot bath or shower and sweet puppy snuggles from my littlest who will turn 2 this September.

Despite these being ‘suggested practices’ easily found on the Internet on how to improve your sleep health, I still find, though I try my hardest, there are nights where I cannot sleep, and I toss … and I turn … only for another sleepless night to pass as I watch the sunlight creep through the cracks in my bedroom’s blackout curtains bringing a new day to me and another opportunity to get (or not) a rested night’s sleep in the coming evening. 

I wrote this blog for a work #MentalHealthMatters #NationalSleepAwareness week campaign, but felt it was too good not to share. 
It was later published on my blog #madebysec on 3/11/20.