It's OK to Not Be OK
May 2, I got my first 'wow, you guys looked so happy, though,' and I know it will not be my last by any means, but I look forward to when these words change.
I agree, we looked happy, but really, it is hard for two people to be happy together when each only loves the idea of the other and there are more problems which lay below the surface.
Over the last two months, I have continued to realize how much of myself I gave up because of someone else - not just morally, but personally, emotionally and, even at times, physically. I let someone push and pull me around although I could have changed these things more easily than I thought.
Before, going through any situation similar to this, I would shun anything mutually related to who I was previously, whether I had arguable claim to the thing or not. I would have moped and not allowed myself to re-enjoy the things which once made me happy. Though I have never been in a situation quite like the one I previously was, I can say, it changed me. Thankfully, this time it was for the better. I am not shunning anything I once loved or even found to bring me joy over the last six years. Instead, I have been encouraging each of the subsequent emotions, both negative and positive, and facing them as they come.
I finally was able to spend some time with both of my parents (my father and stepmother) over the long weekend for Memorial Day, and hearing them, too, say we had seemed happy hurt. I know they meant well, and my stepmother even clarified to tell me even happy relationships have issues but it all comes down to how a couple deals with them. It was most jarring to hear I had played the part of 'happy wife' so well many, to include my own parents, did not know the troubles faced consistently in my marriage.
Over this last weekend (6/6/20), the person I thought I was spending the rest of my life with got their things from my house - a house we once shared together, even if it was for a small time. The morning was cool and gloomy; fitting for a time where all I wanted was to crawl back into my bed and hide away, much like today.
Some days call for making difficult decisions, regardless of what they are or the outcome they will create. Today, was another one of those days. Johnny Cash once said he had hurt himself to see if he still felt, and some days I wonder if this is also the case for me. I have spent the better part of the last week in 'Zombie Scottie' mode, a piece of me I did not know I still carried around, wondering if things would get better or worse. Today, despite any want for something I should not have, I knew making a difficult in the moment but easy at large decision was best.
'Zombie Scottie' was someone I discovered in college; a girl who walked around a shell of herself, emotionless and unable to even feel the panic and anxiety plaguing her tired mind. Some times she would stay for a few hours until I went to sleep, and others she would stay for days until some metaphorical switch finally flipped and I was back to myself again - whoever I may have been at the time. It is still hard to pull myself out of this life-setting, but today, I did. I finished some meetings, requested for a day off and took time to go to the gym.
Tomorrow, I will do the same. I will take the time to get up, clean my house and spend some time at the gym. I will snuggle with my dogs, drink some water and eat some protein. I will spend time getting reorganized, restarted on the things I have loved most in life and look forward to the time when I hear, 'wow, you look so happy now.'
I agree, we looked happy, but really, it is hard for two people to be happy together when each only loves the idea of the other and there are more problems which lay below the surface.
Over the last two months, I have continued to realize how much of myself I gave up because of someone else - not just morally, but personally, emotionally and, even at times, physically. I let someone push and pull me around although I could have changed these things more easily than I thought.
Before, going through any situation similar to this, I would shun anything mutually related to who I was previously, whether I had arguable claim to the thing or not. I would have moped and not allowed myself to re-enjoy the things which once made me happy. Though I have never been in a situation quite like the one I previously was, I can say, it changed me. Thankfully, this time it was for the better. I am not shunning anything I once loved or even found to bring me joy over the last six years. Instead, I have been encouraging each of the subsequent emotions, both negative and positive, and facing them as they come.
I finally was able to spend some time with both of my parents (my father and stepmother) over the long weekend for Memorial Day, and hearing them, too, say we had seemed happy hurt. I know they meant well, and my stepmother even clarified to tell me even happy relationships have issues but it all comes down to how a couple deals with them. It was most jarring to hear I had played the part of 'happy wife' so well many, to include my own parents, did not know the troubles faced consistently in my marriage.
Over this last weekend (6/6/20), the person I thought I was spending the rest of my life with got their things from my house - a house we once shared together, even if it was for a small time. The morning was cool and gloomy; fitting for a time where all I wanted was to crawl back into my bed and hide away, much like today.
Some days call for making difficult decisions, regardless of what they are or the outcome they will create. Today, was another one of those days. Johnny Cash once said he had hurt himself to see if he still felt, and some days I wonder if this is also the case for me. I have spent the better part of the last week in 'Zombie Scottie' mode, a piece of me I did not know I still carried around, wondering if things would get better or worse. Today, despite any want for something I should not have, I knew making a difficult in the moment but easy at large decision was best.
'Zombie Scottie' was someone I discovered in college; a girl who walked around a shell of herself, emotionless and unable to even feel the panic and anxiety plaguing her tired mind. Some times she would stay for a few hours until I went to sleep, and others she would stay for days until some metaphorical switch finally flipped and I was back to myself again - whoever I may have been at the time. It is still hard to pull myself out of this life-setting, but today, I did. I finished some meetings, requested for a day off and took time to go to the gym.
Tomorrow, I will do the same. I will take the time to get up, clean my house and spend some time at the gym. I will snuggle with my dogs, drink some water and eat some protein. I will spend time getting reorganized, restarted on the things I have loved most in life and look forward to the time when I hear, 'wow, you look so happy now.'
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